If you are of first-generation Middle Eastern immigrant parents, you know the situation I am about to describe. I call it "shot-in-the-dark dating"—promulgated in increasingly shorter frequency by none other than your loving parents concerned about your conjugal future.
The victims: you and some clueless youngster studying in some dorm room somewhere in America.
Here’s how it goes:
The phone rings.
My mother: “Ali, good news! I just heard from Mrs. Blank that her cousin’s brother-in-law’s third-removed uncle has this beautiful daughter who is studying medicine at Blank University.”
“That’s great Maman. What am I supposed to do about that?”
“If I get her email, will you write to her?”
“Look, I have no idea who this person is,” I say, of course having long figured out the nature of the call and now frantically reviewing my plausible exit strategies.
Instinctively, I start shuffling through the papers on my desk. I am busy, Mom, can’t you hear it?
“Would you write her?” she asks again. “
Wait. Do you even know how old this woman is?”
“She is 27. She’s still in college.”
“And how old am I?”
“I know you’re older, but who knows … Her mom says they are eager to make introductions. She even called me and said, ‘thank you for thinking of our girl.’ I couldn’t believe it.”
“But, Maman, we’ve gone through this before. What her mom says means nothing. I told you a million times before; Iranian women living in the West have double lives."
What they say at home does not necessarily jive with reality, I remind her. No matter what her mom says, she could be the complete opposite. She could already be secretly married or dating or be in love or not want a relationship or be a lesbian and her oblivious parents are sitting at home planning her marriage, because they love the dollars they earn in America but not the emphasis on the individual-which inspires self-worship, greed and creativity that build great consumption-oriented economies that earn all those dollars.
But my mother encounters with the tried-and-true techniques sure to pull on co-dependent tendencies tattooed into my psyche ages ago.
A few more phone calls and mid-conversation reminders later and I’m searching through my Outlook’s sent-box looking for the last such email I wrote. By now, I am too smart to waste time on entirely new compositions. No thank you. I’ve already spent plenty of time putting together pieces that say the basics, make the most benign inquiries and have been painstakingly excised of anything that could possibly lead to misunderstandings.
The Persian propensity to start rumors or take offense over a simple misunderstanding apply here. Once, I simply asked in an email, “Why do you want to get married?” I just wanted to know if she is even conscious of her choices. I never heard back from her; but my mom called to chew me out for asking an “asinine question” that she thought must’ve put off the woman. Oh, and we heard she got married a couple of months later.
Now, let’s consider the reams of high quality, CIA-certified data I have on my freshest victim: 1. Her name is Blank. 2. Female, 27, living somewhere in America. 3. She goes to school.
Now, please stop and consider this situation. Does this make any sense? A 42-year-old man writing letter of intro to a 27-year-old he knows nothing about.
Wait a minute. That happens all the time on the Internet personals sites. Doesn’t it? No, there’s a big difference. On the personals site, the target more than likely has indicated she wants a relationship. And, of course, she has provided a list of what she is looking for. Sometimes lists and lists and then more